John Kass: Step aside Hillary. It’s time for Oprah 2016
Hillary Clinton is in deep, deep (I almost wrote “yogurt,” but I really like yogurt) for her lies and pending investigations that will inevitably drag her down.
Hillary can still save her fellow Democrats in 2016. But only if she quits the presidential race this minute and backs another candidate:
That’s right: Oprah! 2016
And why not?
Yes, I know, as soon as you read that, you smacked your forehead, saying to yourself, “This is an aha moment for me.” Of course it is. And here’s why it will work.
Oprah Winfrey is the biggest of celebrities in a country that cares more about celebrity than anything. She’s beloved by women. She’s not loathed by men. She’s doesn’t threaten anybody, like Hillary. She’s not some icy river. She’s warm and she’s Oprah and people love her when she cries.
But she’s no pushover. Say some foreign ambassadors who hate America showed up in the Oprah Oval Office demanding nukes. She’d give them a nice slice of pie. Or a hug.
But she wouldn’t give them nukes. She’s not some moron. Just imagine if President Oprah were in office today.
“Can we have nuclear weapons please, President Oprah?” the Iranian ambassadors might ask. “And intercontinental ballistic missiles too? You promised!”
“No, welcome to Oprah country,” says Oprah, shaking her head, her hair bouncing, frowning first then flashing her brilliant smile.
“Death to America!” the Iranians say.
“OK, now look under your chairs,” Oprah will say.
They’ll find prizes, like cosmetics or Pontiacs under there. Maybe even health care, or fabulous, fun-filled vacations.
“Thanks, President Winfrey!” the ambassadors will say. “Prizes! Prizes! We love you, Oprah!”
If Hillary is elected, we’ll always have to worry about Bill. If you’re not worried, then send your daughter to be his aide.
But if Oprah is president, we won’t have to worry about her longtime friend Stedman Graham. At least Stedman won’t show up on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” to do pushups, showing off his triceps, like Michelle Obama. He’ll keep his mouth shut and walk the dogs the way men are supposed to.
And another thing. According to her publicity agents, Oprah is kind. Hillary has been known to peel the bark off her husband when she’s angry. And that fake-happy-but-really-angry Hillary laugh can curdle milk.
“I don’t yell at people, I don’t mistreat people,” Oprah is credited with saying. “I don’t talk down to people, so no one else in this building, in this vicinity, has the right to do it.”
And America believed.
Can Hillary say that? No way. America believes Hillary is ruthless enough and desperate enough to be president. But months of ruthless and desperate isn’t really a good marketing plan for a campaign.
Oprah is considered trustworthy. Hillary is considered a liar. And now inspectors general in the Obama administration are calling for investigations into Hillary’s email scandal when she was secretary of state.
They won’t call for an investigation of the IRS targeting conservatives. But they’re calling for an investigation of Hillary. Just chew on that a piece.
Hillary’s poll numbers are dropping in key states like Colorado and Virginia, and Democrats know that a federal investigation will supply the media with meat for months.
Now, I know that some of you more devoted Hillary supporters won’t think much of my President Oprah idea. Some of you probably think I’m not sincere. But I am, really.
Other Hillaryistas must be saying, “What difference, at this point, does it make?”
What difference? Well, the Democratic front-runner is in deep trouble, imploding. And while the punditocracy focuses the bright media lights on sideshow geek and Republican Donald Trump, it’s my duty to consider the Democratic field.
Is Sen. Bernie Sanders an alternative to Hillary? Really?
I hate to tell you this, but presidential politics isn’t a Frank Capra movie. You don’t know Frank Capra? Don’t worry about it.
And Martin O’Malley? Just the other day, a crowd of people even further to the left than O’Malley — if that’s even possible — demanded he agree with them that “black lives matter.”
O’Malley said yes, black lives matter, but he also dared to say “all lives matter,” as if all lives really do matter to those crazies. He was shouted down, and O’Malley crumbled like your Nonna’s biscotti. He apologized for his foolishness in saying “all lives matter.”
There is nothing as malleable as white liberals terrified they’ll be denounced as racist by angry black protesters. If you’re older than 12 and can read without moving your lips, you already know this. Enough said.
Now don’t get me started on that Vice President Joe Biden presidential fantasy. Biden has been allowed to say stupid stuff for years. Biden is the crazy uncle you keep locked in the basement except for holidays, and when you let him off the silver chain, he ends up throwing Jell-O at the guests.
So if Biden runs for president, all that ridiculous video will come out, endless loops of years of absurd Bidenosities — him wondering about requiring an Indian accent to go into a 7-Eleven, warning black voters that Republicans will “put y’all back in chains!”
That’s too painful for the nation to bear.
The Republicans have too many candidates, the Democrats have too few. The Republicans even have the Donald for now, and if there’s one Democrat that can comb his hair, it’s Oprah.
Hillary, admit it. It’s time to step down.
It’s Oprah time.
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