As a marginally fair-minded person, I sometimes place myself in the shoes of others to better understand their thought process. Lately, I’ve been thinking about gun control and how other people’s shoes perceive various solutions:

1. There can’t be guns in “gun-free zones.” When an armed criminal with mayhem in mind sees one of these signs, they naturally sigh “Aw, shucks” and slink back to the basement to re-examine their lives. It follows that home defense is best ensured by posting “Gun-Free Zone” signs in one’s yard, and perhaps on the front door. When you advertise that your family is completely unarmed, imagine all the nice new friends who’ll come to visit.

2. Arming teachers will make those young punks think twice. Nobody gets more annoyed at school shooters than teachers, and discipline is part of their job. (What do the sheriff’s “resource officers” know about kids, anyway?) So what makes better sense than strapping a .38 to the shop teacher’s hip and sending him swaggering forth to clean up Dodge City? Those smartypants students will think twice before joining running gun-battles in the school hallways against a platoon of sharpshooting French teachers! Plus, those quick-draw contests in the teachers’ lounge will be a fun break from second-period civics classes (bor-r-ring!)

3. If insane gun-toting gunmen didn’t have guns, they wouldn’t use guns to shoot people, insanely, with their guns. This is the sort of analytical logic that I really go for. Still, I’d take it a step further and outlaw the knives, including machetes, Swiss Army knives and so-called “butter” knives. Candlesticks and frozen pork loins are also lethal weapons, as are “assault anvils” that can be dropped from tall buildings onto pedestrians’ heads. People don’t kill people, inanimate objects kill people! If these Second Amendment gun nuts are so fired up about “rights,” let’s not dismiss the constitutional right of cognitively disadvantaged nonconformists to follow their impetuous dreams.

Thanks for your attention. Gotta go, “Live PD” is about to start.

David Christovich,